When it comes to kids, you either love them or hate them. There’s no in between.
But even if kids are your best buddies in the world, they will still do things that make you question your existence on this planet. Whether you like it or not, they’re coming.
If you hate kids, here are 13 things that will make you happy you wore condoms. If you love kids, here are 13 things that will make you want to stay at work extra late. Take your pick.
1. Stick their fingers in food
Why do kids have this weird fascination with sticking their dirty fingers in food that other people are going to eat? It’s disgusting, and parents shouldn’t let them do this and get away with it.
If they’re immediately scolded for grossing everyone out, they won’t do it again.
2. Touch EVERYTHING
Ever been to a person’s house where there’s at least one kid running around? They touch everything in a 5-mile radius. Nothing is safe.
You pick up the remote? Greasy, sticky, and germy. Your mirror? Smudgy, nasty, and germy.
3. Never wash their hands
Kids are total germ traps. People who work at daycares should go to work in hazmat suits. It’s amazing that anyone can survive being around these biohazards on a daily basis without succumbing to grim death.
If they washed their hands once in awhile, it might help.
4. Shit themselves
When little kids shit themselves, that’s a code red. I’m out. Nope. Nope. Nope.
They can’t help it because their muscles that control that behavior aren’t as superior to your average adult, but it’s still quite repulsive.
5. Wake up at 5 am, even on weekends
All you want to do on the weekend is sleep until 11 am. Is it that much to ask for?
But no. These little monsters wake up when it’s still dark out, and then proceed to run into your room and bother you. Time to invest in cage, gentlemen.
6. Are really loud in quiet places
Don’t you just love being out to dinner with your family and watching an annoying brat screaming his head off near your table? This guy loves it!
Ditch the violins and shit. Let’s get a symphony of loud kids in here to scream us a tune in G minor.
7. Cry for no reason
Must they cry for no reason? I get it: you’re n immature runt with no concept on responsibility. But if you cry because you couldn’t use your mom’s money to buy candy, whose fault is that?
Get a damn job, you freeloader.
8. Hit you
Kids love to hit their parents, even if it’s just to be playful. Would you knock that off, please? Nobody likes being hit, especially not a parent who has to take care of your whiny butt every day.
9. Ask for the most expensive food and waste it
“Mom, I want a lobster!”
You buy the lobster, and of course they take one bite and throw the rest away. Biggest wasters in the business. Next, they order the surf and turf with a side of black truffles. That also gets thrown out.
10. Ask for toys and never touch them
Kids have short attention spans, and their brains aren’t complex enough to comprehend awesome activities from lame ones.
So they see a corny toy on TV, want it for their birthday or Christmas, find out it sucks, and then it goes in the corner and grows dust.
It’s nice wasting 40 bucks, right?
11. Constantly run around
Adults don’t enjoy chasing after something every day. You’re a kid with no concept of reality, and all you have to look forward to is peanut butter and jelly and a nap.
12. Get hurt on a regular basis
Little kids are very uncoordinated, so they often trip and fall over their own inadequate feet. Superior adults can do anything without falling like an idiot, but kids don’t have that luxury.
I hope you enjoy emergency rooms and trips to the doctor, because it’s bound to happen.
13. Blow out candles on cake in the grossest ways
Nothing makes a cake taste better quite like a misty fog of spit that flew out of toddler’s mouth when they blew out their candles.
I’d rather drink the water out of the back of a toilet than eat kid after that. At least I won’t get as sick.