Men are idiots. This is not a secret.
When dudes are on a mission to accomplish a task, there is nothing that can stand in their way. Depending on the task at hand, they’re even willing to go the extra mile to achieve greatness. Now let’s discuss how stupid men are when they have tried to make their penises bigger because it’s awfully hilarious.
1. Dick in a Beehive
That’s not just a saying, it actually has happened! It was once used as a marriage ritual among long ago tribes, but one of the more recent uses of this method was by Mick Jagger.
His previous lover complained of his tiny junk in a public interview, so the guy resorted to one of the most painful ways to temporarily expand your penis size ever: surround your dick with bees trapped in a section of bamboo.
After getting penetrated by bees, how would you even keep it up?! I’m not asking.
2. Bashing it with a Club
This one sounds really, really stupid, but there were reports of this actually happening.
When you stub your toe, the resulting inflammation balloons your toe into a monstrosity for days. Some men noticed this trend with the human body and applied it to their penises.
But a club? Come on, guys.
For a lot of guys out there, this is actually a legitimate way to jack up your penis size.
For those of you who are painfully unaware (pun intended, I guess? I don’t know), jelqing is when you tug and stretch your penis to rip the tissue in your penis. This ripping eventually increases the size of the muscle tissue, which is similar to how you get bigger biceps, for instance.
Unfortunately, this technique is often overused or misused, resulting in a total loss of sex drive or ability to hold an erection.
4. Cayenne Pepper
When ingested, cayenne pepper actually holds some aphrodisiac properties for increasing your sex-drive, testosterone levels, and ultimately penis size after some time.
But some men aren’t that bright, as you well know. The men who didn’t know you had to ingest it, well, put cayenne pepper on their penises themselves.
And you know how hot cayenne pepper is? Real hot! They learned this the hard way.
5. The Hanging Towel Trick
If this sounds stupid, it’s because it is.
To the layman, this sounds like bad news right from the start. But to a dope, this is the perfect time to get a bigger package!
The trick, if there is one, is to hang a heavy, wet towel from your erect penis so that the penis stretches downward, from both gravity and the force of the towel.
Know what happens when you put a lot of weight on something that can’t support it? Tearing, and lots of it.
That’s one embarrassing trip to the hospital.
6. Popping Grandma’s Blood Pressure Medication
Taking prescription pills without asking a medical professional first is awfully stupid. But when you do something so dangerous that hasn’t actually proven to increase your penis size, it’s even more stupid.
Not only could this KILL you, but it only makes your blood thinner, and this does absolutely nothing to increase the size of your penis.
The thinking was that, by increasing the flow of blood in the body by thinning it out, it would make erections more powerful.
Nope, doesn’t work like that, fellas!
7. The Wind Tunnel Experiment
If you thought everything was ridiculous so far, this one takes the cake.
Wind tunnels are often used by automotive and airline companies to get their crafts as aerodynamic as possible to decrease wind resistance and increase efficiency.
What they’re not often used for is increasing a man’s penis size, but one man did just that.
This guy worked at a wind tunnel, and when off the clock one night, he decided to crank up the wind and see if it would pull and stretch his penis so it was permanently longer.
What ended up happening is no surprise: he needed stitches to repair torn veins in his penis. More embarrassingly, people at the office saw what happened through a wind tunnel camera that the novice forgot about. Double whammy!
8. Pinching the Head
Pinching the head was thought to stop the flow of blood to the most sensitive part of the penis, and end up building up the juices when ejaculating.
This only creates back pressure on your other sexual organs, and the end result is extreme pain from the vas deferens (that little tube that allows the flow of pee and semen).
Not a good idea, gentlemen!
9. Slapping Your Willy
This later became a silly term when talking about masturbation among men, but it actually came about in the early 1900s when men thought this was the cure of erectile dysfunction and a small penis.
We’re unsure if anyone named Willy was slapping his penis around, but we can guarantee that it won’t help you get bigger. Better try snake oil. I hear that stuff is magic.
10. The Crooked Ladder
This one must have taken some imagination! Whoever thought this was a good idea should be banished from society for the rest of time.
This technique is performed by forcing your erect penis at hard angles, with most guys attempting to bend it at a 90-degree angle.
As you can imagine, this provides incredible pain to the guy but nothing else. After long, you’ll lose all sensation in your penis, and that is worse than being below-average for sure.
11. Depressurized Balloon
This guy must have had a master’s degree in engineering or something.
The trick here is to inflate a latex device, such as a condom, balloon, or glove, tie a rubber band around it, and place it over your erect penis for extended lengths of time.
Yep, you guessed it: absolutely stupid. And I was kidding about the degree in engineering. This is something two drunk boneheads would do in their basement.